Late night ramblings

So what is there to do but write? I can’t sleep, I find nothing positive on the net… So what is there to do but write?

I keep on telling people I love to write. And yet, this is my first write in nine months. I’ve only been moderately busy, too.

 

I look around, I look around. My life keeps changing, and in some ways I control the change. This is good, because

A: I don’t like the idea of life being entirely random (which prevents me from becoming an evolutionist) and

B: Achieving goals provide a self esteem boost.

 

Idle hands make the devil’s work. Was that it?

Was that the saying, passed down, misinterpreted, and spoken over and over the generations?

How busy should I be then? Is working busy? Saving? Building?

If I spend every day reading books, to fill my mind with knowledge, trying to push my brain and my life to a higher goal, a more defined point, a sharper wit- is that busy? Is that honorable?

What if I work my life away? The love of money may well be the root of all evil, but the use of money can do a lot of good. But you’ve gotta have it to spend it. And, I know how to spend it. It’s not even hard. I can spend vast amounts of money and have nothing to show for it at all!

But life trudges on. I get a little older (nowhere NEAR old) and hopefully a little wiser. My house starts to look like a home, with stuff hanging on the walls and useful things in the shed.

That’s not the sum of my life though, oh no sir, not me.

I live for a BIGGER CAUSE! Of course! I remember the stories in the word…

I remember Joshua and Caleb. How they led the people out of the desert, into the promised land, and into the battle to win. I remember how Caleb, late in his life, effectively came out of retirement to show the people how to fight.

I’m old, he must have thought, what am I still doing here?

 

What am I doing here?

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about materialism. Which inevitably leads to consumerism.

 

You see, it’s easy for me. Perhaps that’s what it is. I do not buy because of what I know.

I know if I buy another xbox, I will not get my work done.

 

But that’s as far as I get. And I buy way to much ‘stuff’ to possibly have needed all of it.

I struggle to see things for what they are.

 

I had a scary thought the other week.

The money I have spent on my dog in the last twelve months closely rivals that which I spent supporting two children in Inda.

Now. I have a rad dog. He’s like some sort of pathetic faux child to my wife and I, which can’t be healthy in the long run, but it does boil down to this: My dog cost the same to keep as changing the life prospects (in a dramatic way) for two children.

It gets better.

My dog, plus one of the three payments of vehicle registration payment we make annually is easily more than we spend on any charitable groups combined.

 

My wife is a Teacher. My perogative is to work full time, but for varied reasons I didn’t work for about three months this year, which capped my salary somewhat. But any way you look at it, we netted probably 70 grand this year.

 

There is no way we gave even a thenth of that away. Well, not like that.

It went away, some got saved, bills got paid, we ate and drank.

 

We saved some money, bought some things and bills got paid.

Is this progress? Or is it just living?

 

I’m changing my basic life direction. I’m not looing for a new job, I want to finish the tasks in my shed and go to university.

What is my motivation? Do I want to improve my life? Improve other peoples live? I thought it was the career path I wanted, that I could be more useful in a job I desired rather than one I endured.

But am I qualified to make these decisions?

I don’t have to look far to see that my decisions aren’t always the best. I’ve had a drivers licence for five and a half years now, and I’ve owned seven different vehicles.

Can I really trust my judgement?

 

Where is God’s will?

Is the prayer, ‘God, lead my life’ enough for me to walk on my own feet? Does this mean I walk, and I take Him with me, or do I walk after him?

Is God as preoccupied with my occupation as I am? Perhaps not. Perhaps He looks at the heart.

So what of all this stuff? And this money I’ve fallen into, this kitchen sink of cash that seems to leak it out as fas as I pour it in. What is the purpose of it?

 

No wonder I can’t sleep.

 

Lord, lead my life…

 

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